Friday, 3 July 2015

Terrible Thing I did

The stress I'm facing is slowly flowing out and is affecting my emotions. Today,I realized how bad it was when I heard it directly from her (many hours later). Blown away not only by what I read, becoming aware of how much damage I had done, I was devastated. My chest felt like it got sucker-punched right in the middle, my head went nuts and all over, and I was messed up on the inside.

It's not that we fought. It's just what I did. Professionally and unprofessionally. As my project schedule becomes tighter, requirements get messier, I seemed to be losing control and even grasp of what's happening. I'm all over the place, yet I'm required to focus on all the places, which requires my attention (all of them). I tend to become too-straight forward and harsh with my words. To colleagues and even her. I took her for granted, thinking that she could handle it. But earlier today, I went overboard. What's worse is that I didn't know it until I was told. I suspected something along the lines, but I couldn't recall what I said, until she told me. That's where I was thrown back.

Was I that harsh throughout the whole time? To others and also to her? *sigh* She cried tonight, and I was one of the reasons. I couldn't be there, because she held it in until I left. Knowing I did wrong, and I wasn't there for her, that's rubbing salt to a fresh wound ='(

I couldn't do anything but to apologize, not expecting to be forgiven immediately, but with hopes that at least she feels better, even by the slightest bit. Only thankful is that she told me what was wrong, because she knew I'll most likely be hammering myself all night (still doing that now, but not as bad as earlier). I must be one of the luckiest person around!

So many things I lack of, yet she's still around with me. And to have done the terrible thing I did, just shows that I've still a long way to go.

Sigh I hope she sleeps well tonight.

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